5 simple ways to consciously parent a little better today
Kimberly Koopman • November 6, 2019
When our youngest son was born, I was messed up.
Like literally.
My hormones were so jacked that I was breastfeeding and GAINING weight. All while my other friends were (cue annoying Karen voice and eye roll) smaller than their high school weight.
I was sleeping anywhere from 2-4 hours a night because our youngest, Rowan had night terrors along with just a terrible time sleeping. As well, with Jarred’s schedule working nights and then having to come home to sleep to feel function worthy to go and deal with the duties of a police officer.
And I’m not talking for like a few weeks or a month this is how life went on. It was for at least 1 whole YEAR. Talk about crazy zombie town.
I was dealing with Post partum depression as an added bonus to the hormones and the non sleeping....which lead to many depressive nights and horrible thought patterns.
My marriage was falling a part at the seams, I was overwhelmed and so anxious.
I joke that I was psychotic.... but that is actually real news.
I went through a good few years sitting and stewing that way.
There were things that improved, like the sleeping and the feelings of hardship....
But I was NOT ok as life went on.
People often talk about the baby blues as if they were just a little blip in time that they had to go over.... sort of like the amount of time it takes to go over a real life speed bump.
Mine was going on years.... if you add together the depression and hormonal issues I had that started when I was pregnant with our oldest, Cannon. Continued with a miscarriage I had in between our boys that resulted in me having violent sickness for a month after we found out our baby had passed. Then continuing and lasting until Rowan was about 3. It was 5 and a half years.
5 and a half freaking years people.
I say all of this, not for sympathy or sad puppy dog eyes in my direction.... but to say I LOST some years with my kids.
It’s the thing that to this day I’m still working through my feelings about.
To be frank, it brings me tears knowing the only real memories I have of my babies are the memories I have seen from pictures or videos. Sometimes people will talk about that time and it will bring back a memory.
I spent many, many months crying if I ever saw our boys as babies in a picture or video. It’s as if I was a stranger looking at something I never experienced.
So when I got healthy...which is a totally new blogs worth of words.... I vowed I would take full advantage of BEING a mom I knew I could and wanted to be.
I told myself I wouldn’t wait to be a better mom tomorrow, or Monday. I would start NOW.
These are things I started with and still do to this very day:
PRESENCE is POWERFUL.
An awesome mom and friend of mine told me one day.....‘It’s amazing that if I spend 20 minutes being FULLY present with my kids how much it means to them’.
That in her mind, spending a few 20 minutes sessions a day FULLY ENGAGED with her kids made them feel like they spent the WHOLE day together.
So I started being present 20 mins a few times a day.
2. ‘FOLLOW THROUGH’ IS THE NEW BLACK.
Ok. Let’s chat for a second....
If you have never read the book boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud, run...don’t walk to get it.
People thrive with boundaries. Kids.... are effected even more dramatically by them.
It’s the whole idea that if we know what lines to stay in we can play the game more efficiently.
When you give a child a consequence, follow the EFF through.
If you find yourself feeling guilty that YOU aren’t ENOUGH of a good parent for your child, don’t try to take TWO wrongs and make a right by not following through with something you’ve said to feel LESS guilty about things.
YOU ARE THE PARENT.
Kids need YOU to show them UNEMOTIONALLY the ways to be successful. A consequence to a wrong action teaches us that there is a way to be and there is a way that is not tolerated. Plain and simple.
I once heard a speaker say, “If you don’t discipline your child, the world will...and the world is a much harsher place to learn.”
I know I have my child’s best interest at heart....why would I put it in someone else’s hands?
Kids LOVE when parents give them stability.
And stability comes from knowing what to expect. Follow through after follow through after follow through gives us an understanding on what is acceptable....therefor giving stability.
So I started by saying what I meant and meaning what I said.
3. PLAYING ON PURPOSE
I am soooo grateful for a husband who is hilarious and crazy, and fun.
Outside of the times he asks me to chant like Ryan Secrest, “this is American idol!” Or dance like an idiot in the kitchen, he has taught me to step outside of myself and have fun.
I grew up living inside of the box. Being an identical triplet I always felt i was on a pedestal so I had to be perfect. ‘Don’t show weakness by doing something that someone could think was dumb’..... so I rarely danced my heart out or made crazy faces or noises....
Kids, especially boys, LOVE fart noises. And scary dinosaur screams. They love sticking their butts out to hop and dance toward you.
I had to come to terms with my own insecurities to just have fun and do these same things with them.
And as a result....They laugh uncontrollably WITH and AT me. And it makes my heart incredibly happy and gives them the opportunity to see that I want to be with them....doing what THEY love.
So I started by allowing myself to be silly..
4. LET YOUR KIDS DO ADULT THINGS WITH YOU.
If you follow my Instagram you’ve seen the boys cutting strawberries or cooking eggs at the stove.
They help me put away laundry, and they help jarred screw boards together.
One things I’m a huge advocate about is giving your kids opportunities to be with you doing things you want or need to do.
As a kid, my mom and dad, for special steak dinners a few times a month would give us our very own baby wine glasses. Literal, breakable glass.
It made me feel so special and a part of the family. I felt THOUGHT OF.
I want my kids to learn how to do things...which means making them a part of the process. But to also makes them know they are not an inconvenience. .....that THEY ADD to the experience.
So I started by letting them crack eggs.
5. IMITATION IS THE GREATEST FORM OF FLATTERY.
I’ll never forget when our oldest was a year and a half and I asked him to act like all the different members in our family. Mom, dad, grandpa, grandma... and he nailed every one.
I couldn’t believe how aware he was of who we were.....especially when we weren’t aware of what he was taking in.
There’s a whole other topic of generational survival habits... where we carry our parents survival methods they used due to their environmental happenings....even though we aren’t in those same circumstances.
Example: if someone’s parents lived during the depression, a survival habit they learned was to keep everything. And their kids learned those habits and continued them even though things are much more convenient and more easily accessible.
If we don’t watch it, our kids are going to believe that they have to take their phone with them every time they go to the bathroom. (Don’t lie.....I know you do it) Or that they believe it’s ok to yell at their own spouse one day. They’ll ignore neighbors or never learn how to chat with the lady at the cash register if we never do it in front of them.
If we want our kids to be good stewards...so must we also be.
Because of course they are watching our every move.
So I started by looking deeper at myself and doing the things I knew would be a good example to my kids.
And lastly.... you CAN NOT do these things if you’re overwhelmed and too busy.
Give yourself the space to live simpler so that you have time to put these things into practice.
Everyday is what makes the biggest impact and allows for your child to understand stability.
If you don’t feel like you’re being the parent you want to be, I am here to tell you through my own experience.....You have it in you. Just give yourself the time and space to make it happen.
Put these simple things into practice and watch life with your child change.
Being a GREAT parent requires very little money and ALOT of love.
Buying your kids love works while they’re young. But we aren’t parenting kids who are going to be young forever. Eventually they will want your TIME and YOUR EXPERIENCE. If you don’t set it in motion when they are young, it’s much tougher to get back when they’re a teenager. Not impossible. Just so much tougher.
Be PRESENT today. Otherwise you’ll end up like me.... losing out on TIME.
And that’s something I can’t borrow, buy or wish to come back.
Today marks 2 years. Two years of learning what it means to sacrifice fully. To sacrifice with very little or nothing in return. 2 years today marks Harlejs bravery and determination to do what he was trained to do. And the sacrifice of his life is one I will not likely ever forget. I’m hardly a person who likes to dwell too long in suffering… I welcome it….because I know it’s good for me….and connects me to others. But I rarely stay there too long. We need to take from suffering the gift it gives us, but it can be a dangerous place if spent too long dwelling there. So instead of sharing sorrow today… I want to share a few of the very SIMPLE lessons these last few years have given or shown us. Because our hard times only continue to be hard if we don’t see and share the lessons we have learned. Lesson #1 Sacrifice spreads positivity in a way selfishness can never. Look at any hero in history. Their sacrifice always inspired a ripple effect, felt even centuries later. Our world often creates a lot of selfish people. Trying to get ahead, putting themselves before others. So when we have someone willing to step up and be selfless, people are inspired to follow. Action: Even when it’s hard, and uncomfortable…Be selfless. Step up. Lesson #2 You need good men who are willing to do bad things in order for society to work for the weaker man to remain safe. This is a statement that has seemed to have gotten lost in our world today. With the increased rise in “do what makes you happy” and armchair quarterbacking everything that’s controversial it’s caused the world to feel like we get to say anything that will bring the drama….with no consequence. As opposed to looking at the situation for what it is and being reminded that sometimes for the greater good we need to do the more controversial thing. Action: Make a choice to be one of the good men who step up, OR stop judging those who do. Lesson #3 GOOD things come from BAD situations. Any of us who have ever truly looked at life can attest to this sentence. While the loss of Harlej was a really hard and eye opening experience, the blessings that reigned down on us after his death became uncountable. From the people we have met, to the experiences extended to us… The people who come up to Jarred and I on the street to just share how Harlejs sacrifice effected them has probably been my favorite. There isn’t one thing that we have taken for granted because of the ripple effect of his sacrifice for the community. Action: Don’t be afraid of the hard and tough situations in life. You’re likely to be rewarded if you keep your chin up. Lesson #4 No day is guaranteed. As a police wife, I’m not often worried on a daily basis for Jarred and his partner. Mostly because of the awesome community we live in but because I also make the CHOICE every day to put Jarred and Rico’s (and at the time Harlejs) lives’ in Gods hands. While I realize I enjoy controlling as much as I possibly can, there are just some things I WILL NEVER control. THE TIMING OF LIFE. It reminds me to live today present, humble and happy. There are so many things I can’t control in this world… But the things I can, like my attitude and effort, I better use to the best of my abilities. Action: Be present and Be steadfast in the things you can control and give the rest up to God. Lesson #5 Believe in the good. I’m not going to lie. This has been a hard one for me these past few years. With the current political and healthcare climate it’s hard to know what the heck is happening let alone how to feel about it all. “Don’t be too far left, but don’t be too far right,” they say. At the same time as corrupt people and organizations having alot of control over the way the world is running. Anxiety and depression on the rise and people living in fear. “Does anyone have a persons best interest at heart?” Harlejs death reminds me that good wins over evil. That we don’t always know how, or that we don’t always know when but that good wins ALWAYS. Action: Even in fear, believe in the good. I can not end this post without sharing the incredible and most important gift he gave me. Harlej's death was one of the only factors that allowed Jarred and the other guys to come home that night. Without the gunshot, they would have never known he was armed and clearly dangerous. The call was for a drunk driver. What they didn’t know was that the guy was connected to murders in Indianapolis and over 20 shootings in a month and a half. A dangerous and known criminal. I am so grateful of the number of training hours Jarred and his K9 partners put in. For their call to this career and the passion they have for it. Truthfully, that night scared me. Being woken up to horrifying news shook me. While it wasn’t Jarreds life, it was one of our own. And his life, being a k9 represents something bigger than I really understood until that moment. The very thin line between good and evil and those willing to hold that line for the greater good. I am grateful to Harlej who would run in to save Jarred a million times over. May I live everyday being reminded of your lessons Harlej. — Kim
“ I serve well in my brokenness NOT just when I’m perfect and ready.” I had a thought today. As I was in my prayer time....which doesn’t happen when it should..but when I need it. ...this thought.... Do I come today in service to you God to be a gift I can serve the world with as my broken self? Or do I come to you ready to serve when I’ve got all of myself figured out? It’s the thing we all do. Wait. To put our purpose or our gift out there until we are perfect and ready. We wait in fear. Knowing we are NOT perfect and ready. ...And question: will we ever be ready? We worry. Because the world makes us believe that everyone else around us is NOT broken and has it all together. So I thought.... Is our gift to the world only good when we "GET perfect"? Or is what we have to give STILL GOOD even in our brokenness? Do we wait until we have figured out the problems and have solved them and are now the savior of our own lives? As if we were once broken and are now whole? And I felt These words... “You serve well IN your brokenness Kim.....not just when you are perfect and ready. Because you are PERFECTLY READY in your brokenness." So often we feel like we have to have it all together. That we are perfectly managing ourselves to have the answers and to be the best. To.be.Perfect. And even in my own experience.... My own life in the last 5 years has grown to be bigger than I ever imagined.... Not through some sort of “having figured it out”... But by sharing my struggle. My brokenness. It is not in perfection that people are attracted to my work or my gift. But BY my brokenness. My want to share my struggles. In hopes that others can share in it and feel less alone. Gods promise isn’t a life void of struggle... But a life, if we lend our hearts to a beautiful blend of gratitude and struggle, of TRUE happiness. And in that.... is something that I can lean on. Because none of us are less broken than the other. We are all capable of greatness THROUGH our brokenness.
Photo taken by: Gloria Neidermann January 30th, 2019 As long as I can remember I was a go getter. I didn’t just sit by while others hustled around me. Even as a kid. I was always moving. Always Active. Those who couldn’t keep up usually went to take a nap in the afternoon while I continued on. I thought slowing down was for the “weaker” minded. It’s often portrayed that those with “success” worked so hard at the one thing they wanted to be successful at that everything else goes to the wayside.... Or at least for a while. So what happens to the person who has big goals but doesn’t want to give up on everything else they have going on in their life? As life continues to evolve for me, I’m gaining such perspective on SIMPLICITY. And if I’m being honest the ideas of success and big goals and a life of simplicity do not automatically go hand in hand. If anything they seem like opposites. I’ve had a few come to Jesus moments lately. A few philosophical conversations with friends. And some really deep and tough chit chats with Jarred about this said topic. How can someone find big goal success and simplicity in life at the same time? The answers. Through DISCIPLINE and CONSISTENCY. If you’re struggling right now keeping up your New Years resolutions... or the promises you have made to yourself time and time again... Remember this. Discipline and consistency are not something you EARN by just doing it. They’re something that even when you get to your goals...you STILL have to work hard at discipline and consistency EVERY SINGLE DAY.
November 21, 2018 This pictures depicts such a high point in my life. The girls and I up on stage together, top 5. But what you don’t see is that this was the deepest, darkest time of my life. I was completely depressed. Dealing with post partum depression still, even though our youngest son was a year and a half old. My marriage was not only suffering but was falling to pieces. I wanted very little to do with being a mom and my life choices were completely selfish and destructive. The even scarier part was I wasn’t even aware of the suffering I was going through. So I suffered alone. Pushing everything I couldn’t handle anymore away. Even though this looks like a HIGH point....it was really my LOWEST. What a person never understands is the battle going on in someone’s life. The suffering or the hardships they face regardless of their own volition or not. Its a good reminder to know we all suffer at some degree in life. That having suffered makes us more VALUABLE, more CAPABLE and more CONNECTED to each other. If it wasn’t, Jesus would never have SUFFERED to SAVE us. I have been there. I have walked the dark night. And through the suffering I gained so many things I could never have possessed without the hardship. It’s one of the main reasons I got into coaching. To help people understand that suffering and hard times doesn’t mean a hard life. But that life is just taking a whole new turn for the best.
September 29th, 2019 Tonight I physically had to STOP myself mid vacuuming. As I’ve stated before I’m a task freak. Give me a list and I’ll get it done.... (except that NEVER dwindling home one 🙄) I need reminders to just BE with my children. While I LOvE them beyond measure and love spending time with them.... Unless someone’s bleeding, there are sirens or they are talking at me directly... the tasks that fall top of mind are my own personal ones.... While my husband Jarred does ALOT for our family.....I’m usually the keeper of all the keys as the mom and wife right?! Can you slightly relate? So I left the vacuum sitting there. Literally in the middle of the floor and I said ‘come on boys! Let’s get ready for bed and then we can read books.’ And then we just hung out till they had to go to bed.... we laughed. We talked about the day. We talked about what was bothering us. Yes, do I want a clean house? Yes, do I want the things I need to do to get done? Sure do... But the boys won’t ever remember if the house was vacuumed everyday. They’re going to remember the nights they stayed up a little longer than normal to read books with their mom. Or the time she chose ME over work for 15 minutes. OR the conversation we had about liiiittteeerrraallly NOTHING. So I encourage u today. Put down the book or the spatula, or the work, or the actual vacuum and be reminded that your kids look up to you. They CHERISH YOU. And they want YOU. Not the TV. Or the IPAD. They want YOU.
