What does our CHILDHOOD BEHAVIORS & MARRIAGE have in common?
Kimberly Koopman • February 11, 2020
This is the thought I had when I went to sit and write out this blog.
ALL....might I say it again, ALL of the things I write about, I write from experience.
And it’s no surprise to any who has read or who has followed along that I talk often about the beauty of life but ALSO extensively about how life and marriage has NOT been running through fields of daisies like my former thoughts were before marriage.
It’s the hardest work I’ve EVER done in my whole life.
While Jarred and I are in such a wonderful place now at 14 years of knowing each other...
...there were days...heck years where we didn’t understand each other, slightly wanted to punch each other (I say that as lovingly as I can....smiles*), were so angry with each other and just plain old wanted to avoid touching each other in the hall way.
We all know that one. You’re walking normal and as soon as the other comes into the hallway you somehow find a way to melt into the wall?!
If you can relate, that makes me feel better. If not, just know it’s real for some people.
I am a FIRM believer that most issues in life can be solved by learning about yourself. Marital issues HIGHLY included.
And I’m not talking about learning your pet peeves, or the things that make you angry or irritated. Those are surface level items.
I am talking about things like, what deep down makes you so insecure that you want to crawl into the wall rather than being noticed?
What deep down makes you more comfortable being like your avoidant father or mother than being the best version of yourself?
Things like what makes you an asshole to your kids or your spouse?
Or what causes you deep fear to run in the opposite direction of success?
I attribute a lot of marital issues to communication skills.
As I’m sure anyone in a professional counseling, therapy, or coaching career would agree with me.
As we all know...any relationship....friend, family or romantic deals with communication skills.
And most relationships where we see certain people only for part of our day in a professional way, a friendly way or a family way we tend to just make it work.
We overcompensate to make the others know exactly what we want them to understand or how we want things done. And vise versa.
We give most people the benefit of the doubt and we try to portray our point along with listening to them intently.
These grace periods in marriage wear off and we tend to give LESS to our spouse than to a random stranger or a work partner.
But one thing I rarely hear anyone really talk a ton about is what WE BRING INTO our marriages.
That being.... our childhood baggage (insecurities and fears), traumas and behaviors.
As children, through the process of growing up we adopt our parents ways of surviving.
If we are not in a family who understands the truth behind feelings and emotions, We subconsciously find ways to COPE with our experiences.
Which usually then, we react based on those coping skills we naturally acquired.
We often hear the word COPING as a positive.
Like “you’re coping so well with your new job.” Or “we just need to find a way for you to cope with your experience to feel better.”
And that, I have realized, is NOT a way I want to live my life or raise my kids.
To me, coping is like living half assed. AND...more importantly, not dealing with the deeper rooted issue. It’s like putting a bandaid over an infected wound.
Eventually....you won’t be able to avoid the wound any longer because it’s just too painful or it’s affecting your normal way of life.
Example: I continue to eat ice cream and watch Netflix any time I think about the boyfriend who broke up with me.....I am just learning to cope. I would rather NOT face my emotions and hurts by finding something to distract me than to deal with and go through the feelings and thoughts I need to to come out of it healthier and ready for a new relationship.
Instead of: Every-time we feel sadness or hurt, giving ourself time to think about what happened. Find ways to see where both parties went wrong, deal with the feelings around our insecurities and just feel the sadness and hurt. All, so we can come to a place of healthy healing. Don’t brush emotions and feelings under the rug.
Disclaimer: If we NEVER deal with these issues what happens?
We usually go into a new relationship with insecurities of not being enough....or fears that the other person is going to break it off, etc. causing insecurities and fears on top of one another. Which equals unstable people.
Friends!.... When it comes to feelings....
The only way to healing and getting past issues or traumas is THROUGH our feelings. Not around them.
This isn’t the place we get to skip past the hurt. To get to the place of healing means having to fully go through it. Feel the feelings, hurt a little, become aware of how hard it is and then get to the end a new and stronger person.
So where do our childhood hurts come into play with our marriages?
Good question Tina.
If we don’t deal with our childhood traumas, our childhood behaviors and our childhood baggage where does it go?
It doesn’t just MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR.
It shows up in jealousy, fear, insecurity, feelings of not being enough.
And when you pair THAT with another person who’s dealing with their own emotions and baggage and hurts doesn’t that look like the RECIPE FOR DISASTER?
Sure does to me!
.....and cue the Koopman household 5 years ago. I’m laughing slightly. Mostly, because it’s true.
Jarred and I were so at odds with each other not because of our inability to love each other..... BUT our UNKNOWING INABILITY to deal with our own personal baggage.
And I know I’ve said it before...a wise woman once told me:
"If you think your spouse needs to change, it’s really YOU that needs to change."
THIS friends is what I mean...
We DON’T get to a healthy marriage blaming our spouse for their lack of motivation.
We GET to a healthy marriage by looking at where WE as a person lack motivation.
We DON’T get to a healthy marriage by pointing out the log in our spouses eye.
We GET to a healthy marriage by looking at the log in our OWN eye.
We DON’T get to a healthy marriage by trying to control our spouse and their actions.
We GET to a healthy marriage by controlling OURSELVES.
And we can’t GET to a healthy marriage without the most important action:
Taking the intentional time to LEARN about who we really are. To our deepest core.
The things that make us angry. The things that make us insecure. The things that make us fearful and the things that we can’t let go of.
This is the real deal.
When people ask us how we changed our marriage from on the brink of divorce to a place of love and respect and friendship....
We say......”We still argue. We disagree and get impatient with each other. We are human beings who deal with stress and emotions and hardships just like everyone. We are continuously trying and forgiving one another.”
But...
...the most important thing we say is...
“We got here by working on ourselves.”
-Kim
Today marks 2 years. Two years of learning what it means to sacrifice fully. To sacrifice with very little or nothing in return. 2 years today marks Harlejs bravery and determination to do what he was trained to do. And the sacrifice of his life is one I will not likely ever forget. I’m hardly a person who likes to dwell too long in suffering… I welcome it….because I know it’s good for me….and connects me to others. But I rarely stay there too long. We need to take from suffering the gift it gives us, but it can be a dangerous place if spent too long dwelling there. So instead of sharing sorrow today… I want to share a few of the very SIMPLE lessons these last few years have given or shown us. Because our hard times only continue to be hard if we don’t see and share the lessons we have learned. Lesson #1 Sacrifice spreads positivity in a way selfishness can never. Look at any hero in history. Their sacrifice always inspired a ripple effect, felt even centuries later. Our world often creates a lot of selfish people. Trying to get ahead, putting themselves before others. So when we have someone willing to step up and be selfless, people are inspired to follow. Action: Even when it’s hard, and uncomfortable…Be selfless. Step up. Lesson #2 You need good men who are willing to do bad things in order for society to work for the weaker man to remain safe. This is a statement that has seemed to have gotten lost in our world today. With the increased rise in “do what makes you happy” and armchair quarterbacking everything that’s controversial it’s caused the world to feel like we get to say anything that will bring the drama….with no consequence. As opposed to looking at the situation for what it is and being reminded that sometimes for the greater good we need to do the more controversial thing. Action: Make a choice to be one of the good men who step up, OR stop judging those who do. Lesson #3 GOOD things come from BAD situations. Any of us who have ever truly looked at life can attest to this sentence. While the loss of Harlej was a really hard and eye opening experience, the blessings that reigned down on us after his death became uncountable. From the people we have met, to the experiences extended to us… The people who come up to Jarred and I on the street to just share how Harlejs sacrifice effected them has probably been my favorite. There isn’t one thing that we have taken for granted because of the ripple effect of his sacrifice for the community. Action: Don’t be afraid of the hard and tough situations in life. You’re likely to be rewarded if you keep your chin up. Lesson #4 No day is guaranteed. As a police wife, I’m not often worried on a daily basis for Jarred and his partner. Mostly because of the awesome community we live in but because I also make the CHOICE every day to put Jarred and Rico’s (and at the time Harlejs) lives’ in Gods hands. While I realize I enjoy controlling as much as I possibly can, there are just some things I WILL NEVER control. THE TIMING OF LIFE. It reminds me to live today present, humble and happy. There are so many things I can’t control in this world… But the things I can, like my attitude and effort, I better use to the best of my abilities. Action: Be present and Be steadfast in the things you can control and give the rest up to God. Lesson #5 Believe in the good. I’m not going to lie. This has been a hard one for me these past few years. With the current political and healthcare climate it’s hard to know what the heck is happening let alone how to feel about it all. “Don’t be too far left, but don’t be too far right,” they say. At the same time as corrupt people and organizations having alot of control over the way the world is running. Anxiety and depression on the rise and people living in fear. “Does anyone have a persons best interest at heart?” Harlejs death reminds me that good wins over evil. That we don’t always know how, or that we don’t always know when but that good wins ALWAYS. Action: Even in fear, believe in the good. I can not end this post without sharing the incredible and most important gift he gave me. Harlej's death was one of the only factors that allowed Jarred and the other guys to come home that night. Without the gunshot, they would have never known he was armed and clearly dangerous. The call was for a drunk driver. What they didn’t know was that the guy was connected to murders in Indianapolis and over 20 shootings in a month and a half. A dangerous and known criminal. I am so grateful of the number of training hours Jarred and his K9 partners put in. For their call to this career and the passion they have for it. Truthfully, that night scared me. Being woken up to horrifying news shook me. While it wasn’t Jarreds life, it was one of our own. And his life, being a k9 represents something bigger than I really understood until that moment. The very thin line between good and evil and those willing to hold that line for the greater good. I am grateful to Harlej who would run in to save Jarred a million times over. May I live everyday being reminded of your lessons Harlej. — Kim
“ I serve well in my brokenness NOT just when I’m perfect and ready.” I had a thought today. As I was in my prayer time....which doesn’t happen when it should..but when I need it. ...this thought.... Do I come today in service to you God to be a gift I can serve the world with as my broken self? Or do I come to you ready to serve when I’ve got all of myself figured out? It’s the thing we all do. Wait. To put our purpose or our gift out there until we are perfect and ready. We wait in fear. Knowing we are NOT perfect and ready. ...And question: will we ever be ready? We worry. Because the world makes us believe that everyone else around us is NOT broken and has it all together. So I thought.... Is our gift to the world only good when we "GET perfect"? Or is what we have to give STILL GOOD even in our brokenness? Do we wait until we have figured out the problems and have solved them and are now the savior of our own lives? As if we were once broken and are now whole? And I felt These words... “You serve well IN your brokenness Kim.....not just when you are perfect and ready. Because you are PERFECTLY READY in your brokenness." So often we feel like we have to have it all together. That we are perfectly managing ourselves to have the answers and to be the best. To.be.Perfect. And even in my own experience.... My own life in the last 5 years has grown to be bigger than I ever imagined.... Not through some sort of “having figured it out”... But by sharing my struggle. My brokenness. It is not in perfection that people are attracted to my work or my gift. But BY my brokenness. My want to share my struggles. In hopes that others can share in it and feel less alone. Gods promise isn’t a life void of struggle... But a life, if we lend our hearts to a beautiful blend of gratitude and struggle, of TRUE happiness. And in that.... is something that I can lean on. Because none of us are less broken than the other. We are all capable of greatness THROUGH our brokenness.
Photo taken by: Gloria Neidermann January 30th, 2019 As long as I can remember I was a go getter. I didn’t just sit by while others hustled around me. Even as a kid. I was always moving. Always Active. Those who couldn’t keep up usually went to take a nap in the afternoon while I continued on. I thought slowing down was for the “weaker” minded. It’s often portrayed that those with “success” worked so hard at the one thing they wanted to be successful at that everything else goes to the wayside.... Or at least for a while. So what happens to the person who has big goals but doesn’t want to give up on everything else they have going on in their life? As life continues to evolve for me, I’m gaining such perspective on SIMPLICITY. And if I’m being honest the ideas of success and big goals and a life of simplicity do not automatically go hand in hand. If anything they seem like opposites. I’ve had a few come to Jesus moments lately. A few philosophical conversations with friends. And some really deep and tough chit chats with Jarred about this said topic. How can someone find big goal success and simplicity in life at the same time? The answers. Through DISCIPLINE and CONSISTENCY. If you’re struggling right now keeping up your New Years resolutions... or the promises you have made to yourself time and time again... Remember this. Discipline and consistency are not something you EARN by just doing it. They’re something that even when you get to your goals...you STILL have to work hard at discipline and consistency EVERY SINGLE DAY.
November 21, 2018 This pictures depicts such a high point in my life. The girls and I up on stage together, top 5. But what you don’t see is that this was the deepest, darkest time of my life. I was completely depressed. Dealing with post partum depression still, even though our youngest son was a year and a half old. My marriage was not only suffering but was falling to pieces. I wanted very little to do with being a mom and my life choices were completely selfish and destructive. The even scarier part was I wasn’t even aware of the suffering I was going through. So I suffered alone. Pushing everything I couldn’t handle anymore away. Even though this looks like a HIGH point....it was really my LOWEST. What a person never understands is the battle going on in someone’s life. The suffering or the hardships they face regardless of their own volition or not. Its a good reminder to know we all suffer at some degree in life. That having suffered makes us more VALUABLE, more CAPABLE and more CONNECTED to each other. If it wasn’t, Jesus would never have SUFFERED to SAVE us. I have been there. I have walked the dark night. And through the suffering I gained so many things I could never have possessed without the hardship. It’s one of the main reasons I got into coaching. To help people understand that suffering and hard times doesn’t mean a hard life. But that life is just taking a whole new turn for the best.
September 29th, 2019 Tonight I physically had to STOP myself mid vacuuming. As I’ve stated before I’m a task freak. Give me a list and I’ll get it done.... (except that NEVER dwindling home one 🙄) I need reminders to just BE with my children. While I LOvE them beyond measure and love spending time with them.... Unless someone’s bleeding, there are sirens or they are talking at me directly... the tasks that fall top of mind are my own personal ones.... While my husband Jarred does ALOT for our family.....I’m usually the keeper of all the keys as the mom and wife right?! Can you slightly relate? So I left the vacuum sitting there. Literally in the middle of the floor and I said ‘come on boys! Let’s get ready for bed and then we can read books.’ And then we just hung out till they had to go to bed.... we laughed. We talked about the day. We talked about what was bothering us. Yes, do I want a clean house? Yes, do I want the things I need to do to get done? Sure do... But the boys won’t ever remember if the house was vacuumed everyday. They’re going to remember the nights they stayed up a little longer than normal to read books with their mom. Or the time she chose ME over work for 15 minutes. OR the conversation we had about liiiittteeerrraallly NOTHING. So I encourage u today. Put down the book or the spatula, or the work, or the actual vacuum and be reminded that your kids look up to you. They CHERISH YOU. And they want YOU. Not the TV. Or the IPAD. They want YOU.
