By Kimberly Koopman
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11 Feb, 2020
“ When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, I reasoned like a child.; When I became a man, I put away the childish things.” This is the thought I had when I went to sit and write out this blog. ALL....might I say it again, ALL of the things I write about, I write from experience. And it’s no surprise to any who has read or who has followed along that I talk often about the beauty of life but ALSO extensively about how life and marriage has NOT been running through fields of daisies like my former thoughts were before marriage. It’s the hardest work I’ve EVER done in my whole life. While Jarred and I are in such a wonderful place now at 14 years of knowing each other... ...there were days...heck years where we didn’t understand each other, slightly wanted to punch each other (I say that as lovingly as I can....smiles*), were so angry with each other and just plain old wanted to avoid touching each other in the hall way. We all know that one. You’re walking normal and as soon as the other comes into the hallway you somehow find a way to melt into the wall?! If you can relate, that makes me feel better. If not, just know it’s real for some people. I am a FIRM believer that most issues in life can be solved by learning about yourself. Marital issues HIGHLY included. And I’m not talking about learning your pet peeves, or the things that make you angry or irritated. Those are surface level items. I am talking about things like, what deep down makes you so insecure that you want to crawl into the wall rather than being noticed? What deep down makes you more comfortable being like your avoidant father or mother than being the best version of yourself? Things like what makes you an asshole to your kids or your spouse? Or what causes you deep fear to run in the opposite direction of success? I attribute a lot of marital issues to communication skills. As I’m sure anyone in a professional counseling, therapy, or coaching career would agree with me. As we all know...any relationship....friend, family or romantic deals with communication skills. And most relationships where we see certain people only for part of our day in a professional way, a friendly way or a family way we tend to just make it work. We overcompensate to make the others know exactly what we want them to understand or how we want things done. And vise versa. We give most people the benefit of the doubt and we try to portray our point along with listening to them intently. These grace periods in marriage wear off and we tend to give LESS to our spouse than to a random stranger or a work partner. But one thing I rarely hear anyone really talk a ton about is what WE BRING INTO our marriages. That being.... our childhood baggage (insecurities and fears), traumas and behaviors. As children, through the process of growing up we adopt our parents ways of surviving. If we are not in a family who understands the truth behind feelings and emotions, We subconsciously find ways to COPE with our experiences. Which usually then, we react based on those coping skills we naturally acquired. We often hear the word COPING as a positive. Like “you’re coping so well with your new job.” Or “we just need to find a way for you to cope with your experience to feel better.” And that, I have realized, is NOT a way I want to live my life or raise my kids. To me, coping is like living half assed. AND...more importantly, not dealing with the deeper rooted issue. It’s like putting a bandaid over an infected wound. Eventually....you won’t be able to avoid the wound any longer because it’s just too painful or it’s affecting your normal way of life. Example: I continue to eat ice cream and watch Netflix any time I think about the boyfriend who broke up with me.....I am just learning to cope. I would rather NOT face my emotions and hurts by finding something to distract me than to deal with and go through the feelings and thoughts I need to to come out of it healthier and ready for a new relationship. Instead of: Every-time we feel sadness or hurt, giving ourself time to think about what happened. Find ways to see where both parties went wrong, deal with the feelings around our insecurities and just feel the sadness and hurt. All, so we can come to a place of healthy healing. Don’t brush emotions and feelings under the rug. Disclaimer: If we NEVER deal with these issues what happens? We usually go into a new relationship with insecurities of not being enough....or fears that the other person is going to break it off, etc. causing insecurities and fears on top of one another. Which equals unstable people. Friends!.... When it comes to feelings.... The only way to healing and getting past issues or traumas is THROUGH our feelings. Not around them. This isn’t the place we get to skip past the hurt. To get to the place of healing means having to fully go through it. Feel the feelings, hurt a little, become aware of how hard it is and then get to the end a new and stronger person. So where do our childhood hurts come into play with our marriages? Good question Tina. If we don’t deal with our childhood traumas, our childhood behaviors and our childhood baggage where does it go? It doesn’t just MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR. It shows up in jealousy, fear, insecurity, feelings of not being enough. And when you pair THAT with another person who’s dealing with their own emotions and baggage and hurts doesn’t that look like the RECIPE FOR DISASTER? Sure does to me! .....and cue the Koopman household 5 years ago. I’m laughing slightly. Mostly, because it’s true. Jarred and I were so at odds with each other not because of our inability to love each other..... BUT our UNKNOWING INABILITY to deal with our own personal baggage. And I know I’ve said it before...a wise woman once told me: "If you think your spouse needs to change, it’s really YOU that needs to change." THIS friends is what I mean... We DON’T get to a healthy marriage blaming our spouse for their lack of motivation. We GET to a healthy marriage by looking at where WE as a person lack motivation. We DON’T get to a healthy marriage by pointing out the log in our spouses eye. We GET to a healthy marriage by looking at the log in our OWN eye. We DON’T get to a healthy marriage by trying to control our spouse and their actions. We GET to a healthy marriage by controlling OURSELVES. And we can’t GET to a healthy marriage without the most important action: Taking the intentional time to LEARN about who we really are. To our deepest core. The things that make us angry. The things that make us insecure. The things that make us fearful and the things that we can’t let go of. This is the real deal. When people ask us how we changed our marriage from on the brink of divorce to a place of love and respect and friendship.... We say......”We still argue. We disagree and get impatient with each other. We are human beings who deal with stress and emotions and hardships just like everyone. We are continuously trying and forgiving one another.” But... ...the most important thing we say is... “We got here by working on ourselves.” - Kim